Archive for the ‘Metal’ Category


The Metal Protagonist.txt

March 2, 2007

I’m not sure who the original creator of the .txt is, but it was posted on irc by my friend Subsidian. I hope you enjoy the read as much as I did.

“HEAVY METAL – The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers, and bones the princess.
POWER METAL – The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL – The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
FOLK METAL – The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave…without the princess.
VIKING METAL – The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings, and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL – The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL – The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL – The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body, slashes her belly, and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass again, burns the corpse, and fucks it for the last time.
GRIND METAL – The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about 30 seconds, and then leaves.
DOOM METAL – The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon, and thinks he could never beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragons eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story.
GOTHIC METAL – The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows the flute and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL – The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL – The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL – Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone’s screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she’s been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL – The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to “thank” the protagonist he replies, “sorry, but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage”.
GLAM METAL – The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
BATTLE METAL – The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots, and a dozen elite warriors, and as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL – The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but stops to think about his tortured childhood and burns to death when his baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO – The protagonist sees the dragon and breaks down crying, realising how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, especially after she already broke his heart. He sacrifices himself to the dragon and the princess is happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.”